The Audacity of Disappointment

Leadership, Boundaries, and the Myth of Male Permission

I got a message recently at 11:47 pm from a male candidate that lost his election that started with: “I’m disappointed in you.”

Not confused by a decision

Disappointed.

And immediately I thought, " Wow, someone is using a word I use with my kids,” for example, when they get in trouble at school, miss curfew, or forget to do their homework.

Like he was somehow… in charge of me. A grown ass woman! Who the fuck does he think he is, my Dad?

I had two choices at that moment: finish working on the data entry for the County Chair online directory I was updating and go to bed, or deal with his drama at midnight.

I chose to do data entry and go to bed. Because we have elections to win, I thought I shouldn’t answer him in the heat of the moment upset, but really take time to think my thoughts out and sleep on it.

But here’s what stuck with me that did make me upset, it wasn’t the disagreement or the criticism.

It was the framing. “I’m disappointed in you.”

Here’s what I had apparently done wrong:

• My organization decided to endorse in a political race that is in a run-off.

• No matter what, we were going to endorse the progressive candidate in the runoff. PERIOD. So if he had won vs the other candidate, my organization would have endorsed him. Because the third candidate voted for Trump and Abbott multiple times in Republican primaries over a 10+ year span.

• I didn’t follow his advice,

• I didn’t center his perspective

• I didn’t run it by him for approval

• I didn’t get approval from our local chapter leader (I did call several members that I had friendships with to get their perspectives, and I did call the chapter leader first.)

And worst of all…

I did it without asking permission from a man who is not in charge of me.

Bold. Reckless. Practically historic.

I made a leadership decision. He just didn’t like it.

But let’s talk about that phrase:

“I’m disappointed in you.”

Because that’s not feedback. That’s a power move.

It only works if the person saying it believes they have:

• authority over you

• influence over your decisions

• or ownership over your leadership

• they believe you seek their approval

And when none of those things are actually true? It lands exactly how it should:

Absurd.

And this isn’t the first time this has happened. Why do some Democrats treat me like this? It’s beyond insulting and disrespectful.

Women in leadership know this script by heart. When a man doesn’t get the outcome he wants, and suddenly says:

• You didn’t “listen”

• You’re “out of touch”

• You’re “ignoring people on the ground”

• You’re making decisions in a vacuum

Translation:

You didn’t do what I wanted, so I’m going to question your legitimacy.

It’s not new. It’s not subtle. And it’s definitely not original. I’m always fascinated by how often women are told to “listen more.”

We are great listeners. We listen in meetings. We listen in strategy sessions. We listen while managing teams, campaigns, crises, and everyone else’s feelings.

But here’s the part that seems to confuse people:

Listening does not mean obeying.

I can hear you. I can consider your input. I can weigh it alongside ten other data points, community voices, and strategic priorities. And then…I can make a different decision.

That’s not me failing. That’s me leading.

Messages like this also come with an unspoken assignment:

Please absorb my frustration. Please validate my disappointment. Please explain yourself in a way that makes me feel better about not getting my way.

No.

I’m not running a customer service desk for wounded egos. Not every disappointed man gets a follow-up call. I did message him to tell him I was sorry he didn’t win his election. He was my and our teams top choice.

And then there was the line about “typical Austin politics.”Which is always funny, because when people say that, what they usually mean

“I didn’t win this round, so I’m going to insult where you live, and I consider you the establishment.”

A true classic. No notes.

Leadership is not:

• asking for permission

• making everyone happy

• or running every decision through a focus group of whoever is loudest that day

Leadership is:

• making informed decisions that match your mission

• taking input without surrendering authority

• standing by your choices even when people are upset

And yes, sometimes people will be disappointed. We can’t make everyone happy all the time.

So instead of asking:

“Why is he disappointed in me?”

I’m asking:

“Why did he think he had a vote?”

Because that is the question? That’s where the real story is. If you’re a woman in leadership, let me save you some time:

You are not here to meet expectations you never agreed to.

You are not here to manage the emotions of people who confuse access with authority.

And you are definitely not here to be evaluated by men who think leadership is something they get to grant.

Make the decision.

Stand in it.

Let them be disappointed.

They’ll live.

With love from a very tired of the bullshit mom!

Nancy